Lonely vs Alone

What is it like to be lonely?

To be lonely is to look at a room full of furniture and full of silence, to walk to a restaurant by myself and sit at the bar, because sitting at a table for four seems silly! So, when asked: “How many?” I respond by pointing at the bar and tell the host that I’ll like a menu.

To be lonely is talking to myself and rationalizing that I am not the only one, that it is normal and that being with another person may not be so hot either.

To feel lonely may take me out of the house and take the car and drive to a place where I can look busy with a book and not look lonely. Or I can walk to the nearby coffee house with my computer, sip the tea from a paper cup and check my e-mail in hope for news I can lose myself in and believe for a moment that I am connected.

Cooking for one is an awkward exercise and consequently, when I do, I make soup for days.

I wonder whether, when lonely, I experience a form of depression. Until further proof, I don’t think that I am a depressed type individual. It may well be that I create ambiance and interesting ideas, which lead me on a path of “I wonder ... “.

Alone is different and can be O.K.

At night, alone, my bed gives me plenty of comfort, and when I drive my trusty Subaru direction Asheville all alone to visit with my son and grandson, the trip is smooth and full of tales, hypothetical discussions and observations, which may cause me to stop and take a photograph of the object or scenery.

See, I do believe that we are always “alone”, but lonely is a state of being, which can be frustrating or a relief. It is rather complicated and I have been working on the significance of these two for years now. I discuss it with others, but still haven’t found a satisfactory answer. Yes, writing about it works well, and then I come suddenly to a stopping point, a point where the thoughts have run their course. Then I can come to the topic later, when the charge is stronger and the urge to express myself real.

One more thought:

I experience my aches, pleasures, excitement and pains alone. I can share some of those with others, but in essence all these are strictly mine alone. Also, proof of me always being “alone” comes to the fore, when I listen to someone, and suddenly I hear myself say: “Let the person speak!” or “listen. Don’t interrupt!” Those are “alone” commands.

So, now I am going to prepare for bed - a neutral place, where dreams take me away. Time to recharge. Bye! - for now.

Exceptional people!

I wonder whether others know 'exceptional people'. Off hand, I can name four, and I am taking a little time this afternoon to figure out what makes these people so extraordinary.

All three are men. They are well informed, well educated - not necessarily college educated, hard working and somewhat shy, especially when I tell them that they are unusual. They are thoughtful and considerate.

And now that I think about it, the “considerate” aspect is an outstanding characteristic. All are socially thoughtful. They are there when one needs their help and input. They don’t throw their weight around. As one of them said: “I am the way I am!” That is, I think one of their secrets. They do not need to pretend to be more than what one sees. All of them are generous, and they love to debate on a variety of subjects, and are willing to consider the validity of a different view point. They speak up when they see an injustice. As a matter of fact, two of them are willing to make a lot of “noise”. These guys are reliable - a promise means something. They all radiate something very special, something hard to describe. Oh yes, all of them are married - lucky women! and I am lucky that I can count on them as my friends.

Being Supportive!

I keep finding out that with retirement comes time to think things over. I spend a lot more time on the political manoeuvering around the world, but that time is mostly wasted energy. What has become a much more thankful past time is paying attention to the people close to me: My son Jaap (the phenomenal pilot), grandson Zeppelin (the incredible musician) and a basically fatherless (formerly neighborhood) boy Bobby, now 36 and living in Florida. Then I have some great family members further “removed” - My brother Burchard and my first cousin - adopted “brother” Roland. Oh well, if I start listing all the people to whom I feel close, the list becomes quite long. Being single makes me focus more on these folks, and now I’d like to tell you this:

While in Amsterdam, I noted some voice mails on my cell phone I couldn’t access due to the absence of a needed code. When I was back in my house, I listened to all these communications:

Bobby - he now prefers to be called “Robert”, left a message in his darkest of voices:

“Hey, I was fired and I am not sure why. I suspect though that the owner needed to give the job to a friend of a friend. Now that I am fired I cannot get Workers Comp. Got another (tire company-) job, but it is much further away. I am broke. Can’t afford to live here. Fortunately, Sandra (his former girl friend) has decided to come back. My kids are understanding, but moving again is hard for them. Their mother is of no help! Just want to talk to you.”

Misery!

I called back and got the whole story in more detail. “So, how can I help?”

“I am calling to get some advice.”

“Do you need some money to make the move possible?”

“No, you have done enough in the past!”

Well - we agreed that a little monetary help would be wonderful to bridge the gap and get the whole family into a smaller, new apartment. I promised to mail the check that afternoon.

I hung up, wrote out a check and mailed it with an encouraging, uplifting note direction Florida. The fun thing of it all is, that due to some “special” economics I could do this.

See, I flew back and forth to The Netherlands economy class with sore knees in the “Exit”-row, thereby saving bucks that I could now nicely spend on a much more needed cause: Robert!

Forgive me, but that felt great.

He called me this morning with a fathers’ day greeting I am saving for a while on my voice mail register. Robert made me aware that frugal living can have great side benefits and it all fell on Fathers Day week-end. The timing was perfect.

Jacob's Garden

This Sunday morning, I walked, armed with leaf rake, clippers and white, transparent plastic bag into the back of my garden, and the older I get, this luscious place is getting bigger every time I have intentions of working on it. I walked all the way to the back and started trimming the brick paths, “miles” of them. After finishing a portion, I gathered the leaves. I was industrious, and didn’t spend time on having profound thoughts.

The first hour was slowly coming to a close and the perspiration started to accumulate at the familiar places. My knees started to hurt and my lower back signaled that “enough is enough!” I took the hint, closed the half filled plastic bag, gathered my tools and headed on “home”!

While I walked back, I looked around and realized for the umpteenth time that this place is very close to Heaven - in more ways than one. Ground ivy as the predominant ground cover, bushes ( I can’t tell you their names), wild, subtly smelling red roses, hundreds of young Hickory Tree shoots and others, plenty of weeds (I trim these, if they start to take over). Weaving through this place, I call Jacob’s Garden are brick and pine needle covered paths. The bricks, 2300 of them, were recovered from a torn down downtown office building many years ago. In the very back is the jewel of this paradise: a green shed with a relatively new roof, but otherwise undisturbed for the passed 20 years. It leans slightly to the left. The doors are kind of crooked, but they open easily and inside are tools mostly belonging to my friend Walter and card board boxes with books my son Jaap left with me many months ago. The ground has never been covered and still has the familiar reddish color.

This place doesn’t require power mowers - there is no lawn to work on. Over the almost 20 years I have enjoyed this space, it has never been watered with a hose or bucket, and the one giant red oak tree right at my back window of my house, has been fertilized only once. So, this can be labeled: a low maintenance and little energy consuming garden.

A voice somewhere tells me:

“Enjoy me the way I am. Pay attention. Work with me, but don’t try to change me ... much! Look at me. From time to time, come see me! Although you look and see, the world unseen within me is huge. So, don’t pretend that you understand me!”

Kind of who I am!

Becoming part of the elite.

I have been around quite a number of years, and throughout this period, I have met people starting small companies. The person started energetically and willing to talk and discuss all aspects of his new found interest. These people were approachable and eager to get together. Their offices were small and their staff limited to two or three people. They handled their own mail and they were willing to sweep the floor. I could tell that they had sleepless nights.

Then started the expected growth and the profits trickled in. The old car with scratches here and there was replaced with a more luxurious model. Why the car first? Well, the prospective customers needed to be impressed. Wife and children were still living in the original apartment. Yes, then came the first move into a roomier house in a pricier neighborhood.

This pattern of growth and expansion continued with some of these (mostly) men. The familiar office became too small, and if I wanted to speak to this "successful" individual, I needed to report to the secretary and make an appointment.

Now, twenty-plus years later, this person seems remote, his secretary shields him from "unwanted" intruders, his voice recorder exudes an air of superiority and mail send to his home address is diverted back to the office so as not to have to "waste" time.

That's what happens to people who become "successful". By virtue of becoming part of the business elite, they become disengaged from everything beneath them. It may not become so intentionally, but it happens, and unless told, they will get lost in the clouds of money and the nouveau riche.

Spring time colors and music.

Yesterday, late in the afternoon I was called by Franklin Keel, the prospective Cello Teacher for Grandson Zeppelin, who had two weeks before indicated that he wanted his own cello and that he wanted to continue learning more about the instrument.

OK, Franklin indicated that he could meet with me the next day, and we decided to meet at the Green Sage, a downtown Asheville pleasant place with pleasant food. Around noon time would suit us all. His wife and brand new baby would join too.

I was excited, but now came the biggest "hurdle". How would I get mother Jennifer Murray, alias "Yellow" to agree, because her reputation is not one of going along readily with surprises. First I mailed a text message to Zeppelin - always the best method to reach him (and Jaap, my son), telling him that I wanted to meet him at the Green Sage, that next day, and "by all means bring your Mom!" ...... No answer.

So, I went to bed after setting my cell phone alarm for 6:30 am.

On my way to Asheville, I decided to call "Yellow" directly from the road at around ten. ...... I had to leave a message.

While driving, I noticed the delicate colors of spring time. Soft pink and white of the blossoms along the foot of the highway 74-hills with above it the early, new green barely visible on the trees. I took pictures while driving - yeah, not smart, but the moment was not to be missed. It was flat-out gorgeous.

At 11 am, I text-ed (?) Z. again: "Are you ready for pick-up? I am in Asheville."

Zeppelin: "NO! I can’t go! Call my dad, he'll explain!"

This was promising to become a most difficult visit to Asheville, and I decided to be bold, and I drove up to his mother's address and walked up the steps. A broad smiling Jennifer came out of the front door: "I just received your message. We (she, the other two children and her fiance) can't come, but why don't you take Zeppelin. I think the lessons are a good idea, and the week long camp in June is probably going to work too! See you later. Bye!" Zeppelin was a huge grump and not yet awake: "I don't want to get up. I need my sleep. Go away!"

Well, he said something like that, but after a minute or two hoisted himself off the couch, took a quick shower, and while he slipped on his sneakers he apologized, and said that the plan was actually a "pretty cool" idea.

While we drove through Asheville to our meeting place, we noticed a young man with long, dark hair carrying a huge, aluminum colored cello case trying to cross the street right in front of us. "Ah, that must be him!", and we both waved. The pedestrian smiled back. Minutes later all three of us entered the Sage restaurant. We introduced ourselves, and after ordering lunch (I recommend the place), The musical duo picked a table, while I went back to the car to fill the parking meter with quarters.

While walking down the street I called grandma Clarissa and cheerfully announced: "The essential eagles have landed! Call you later with the details."

Franklin is a cheerful musician, who graduated from the Eastman School of Music. He seemed a good man for Zeppelin, and Z. was willing to commit to a long term Cello learning schedule. We inquired into overnight music camps, and the only one available in the area and easy to connect with is The Asheville Music Camp. The details of this visit are to be conveyed later to Clarissa, and overall the visit was in my book, a great success - an unexpected success. The essential folks for this ambitious plan seem to be "IN". Zeppelin will start lessons on April 19, 2010. Jaap and Zeppelin will pick-up a loan cello from music store "Tempo" in Hendersonville, NC, including all accessories and Suzuki's book #one.

My trip back to Charlotte was also eventful. Heavy rain, thunder and reported, though unseen, tornadoes. On my way up it was all gentle feeling, rolling hills and soft colors. This time, it was thunder, slashing rain storms limiting my average road speed. I experienced many extremes, this eventful day.

In conclusion: Who knows what the musical future holds for Zeppelin and us, spectators. And by the way, on this excursion, Zeppelin was most pleasant and he made plenty of good sense.

End of story, for now!

It is in our Nature!

To- day, a friend of mine said: “ The world is angry with us. Look at all the earth quakes, floods, hunger, wars and other earth shaking events!”

Is that the way “our” world works? “I am angry with you, and here is your punishment?”

Since when are we NOT a product of this world. In many ways it seems that we think that we are separate. This person said that we are responsible for all the pollution, and that is why the earth reacts this way.

Oh really?

I profoundly disagree. Here is the way I see it:

Yes, we pollute and yes, we are a part of this world, this universe. Everything is inseparable. We do these despicable things, and until the world, our universe changes we will do what we do. NOT because we choose to. We cannot do any differently.

The pollution will stop, when nature makes us stop. NOT the other way around. Believe me, we are a product of nature and therefore, we are an integral part of the process.

We’ll keep killing elephants, whales, deplete the oceans and eliminate species of birds and tigers, and we bemoan it when we watch a TV-program on the Discovery Channel. BUT we don’t stop until nature within us makes us halt. In a worst case scenario, we’ll stop when there is little or nothing left to pollute or eliminate, and nature has nothing in “her” arsenal to replace the necessary resources for us to continue.

Believe me, or at least I believe this, mankind too will vanish from the landscape, just as the dinosaurs did. It is preposterous for me to believe that we are somehow different from all the others that have one time enjoyed this space we call earth. So, while it lasts, be prudent, appreciate what has been given to us by nature, be nice to your environment and those you share this earth with, but remember, there are plenty who will NOT be able to resist and they’ll keep the depletion process going for whatever reason. It is in our Nature!

Institutions and the people in them.

This morning, I listened to the Diane Rehm show and the topic was the miserable state of affair in the Roman Catholic Church, and the following came to me:

It is not the church that can be blamed for the rapes and violations committed, it is not the bank per se that is fraudulent, it is not the government as an institution that is responsible for the corruption. No, ...
it is the people in them that need to be prosecuted, and that is the reason that we need to start to leave the names of the institutions off and out of the news media for a while. If the people in these places were pure, regulations would be unnecessary.

After all, default swaps are going on as we speak, as if nothing is wrong with that method of financial dealings. Let's take the Wall Street Journal and list all the folks alphabetically who have committed the financial fraud and mis-guided actions out of pure greed, and these people would be more reluctant to continue.
This action can be duplicated in church periodicals, regular newspapers, government watch dogs, educational magazines, etc.

During this interview, a person called in, and stated that what happened in the church happened in her household. Her father, brothers, uncles and aunts conspired in the personal violations she experienced. The human being is profoundly flawed, and blaming institutions for the calamities that we are currently experiencing all around us is a waste of my time.

Let's take their places of hiding away from them! Expose them!

Institutions and the people responsible!

This morning, I listened to the Diane Rehm show and the topic was the
miserable state of affair in the Roman Catholic Church, and the following came to me:

It is not the church that can be blamed for the rapes and violations committed from within,
it is not the bank per se that is fraudulent, it is not the government as an institution that is responsible for the corruption. No, ...
it is the people in them that need to be prosecuted, and that is the reason that we need to start to leave the names of the institutions off and out of the news media for a while. If the people in these places were pure, regulations would be unnecessary.

After all, default swaps are going on as we speak, as if nothing is wrong with that method of financial dealings. Let's take the Wall Street Journal and list all the folks alphabetically who have committed the financial fraud and mis-guided actions out of pure greed. Then these people just might be more reluctant to continue. This action can be duplicated in church periodicals, regular newspapers, government watch dogs, educational magazines, etc.

During this interview, a person called in, and stated that what happened in the church happened in her household. Her father, brothers, uncles and aunts conspired in the personal violations she experienced. The human being is profoundly flawed, and blaming institutions for the calamities that we are currently experiencing is a waste of my time.

Let's take their places of hiding away from them! Expose them!

BE!

I am looking for “style”, and I found a sample, a simple sample of it this morning at my favorite coffee place. A woman in a long dress, an unpretentious demeanor and a genuine smile. She stood out and not because she necessarily wanted or needed to.

She carried herself well and un-assumingly. Relaxed!

On this Sunday, many come in this place in church attire, their best, and carry underneath the forever present insecurity. This is manifested by the way these coffee- and tea drinkers stand and walk. Slightly bent, hands folded in a tight grip, a constantly wiggling foot, droopy expression with quickly shifting eyes, re-arranging dress and shirt.

And then, this person in simple elegance. Nice!

A reaction to FrontLine's program: "The Warning!"

Dear Mrs. Rehm,
I feel inspired to write to you. My representatives don't listen to what I have to say.
They rarely respond. I am utterly frustrated. Everyone knows that we have a financial
crisis on our hands. Washington is totally incapable of dealing with the mess. The
President has great intentions but his fist is too small. He is facing virtually all alone
an army of lobbyists (names unknown), a Congress being manipulated by all the
major financial institutions (large dollar contributions) and members of his administration
who are way too closely aligned with these banking establishments (Geittner, Summers).
Other contributors to the current crisis: Greenspan (by his own admission) & Rueben.
Regulations are being proposed (and are stalled) to close the loopholes and regulate
OTC-Derivatives. A recent FrontLine program ('The Warning!') pertaining to this problem
has indicated with certainty that we can expect - soon, another & probably worse financial crisis.
In the mean time, ALL those responsible for the current hopeless mess remain largely
unknown. So they can hide behind a nondescript corporate name. The public needs to know
who these unscrupulous people are, and behind each person's name should be listed
the money obtained through manipulation - whatever kind- effecting the public. After all,
Mrs. Rehm, the everyday folks have lost millions of dollars (house and savings) and most
of their names can be found on the internet or in registers of deed.
Every newspaper in the country should be obligated to make these names and $-amounts
public and list the major violators on the front page - a nation wide day of reckoning.
That would be a good first step to start reigning in the abuse and manipulation. If we
don't do something radical, this country will go rapidly down the drain, and the rich, the ones
"listed" on these front pages won't care.
Sure, I know that "no action" is the likely action, and the next crisis is coming down the pike.
This is a country in sharp decline purely because of greed and the pervasive "Me"-attitude!

Enough of this! you must be tired reading this, but remember no one else wants to hear
or read this.

The Right to Die!

In Britain, Dr. Sikora tells the world that in his many (30+) years of practice no patient has ever asked to practice the "Right to Die" approach. The doctor is against this practice. He is referring to our desire to continue until the bitter end and to the hundreds of rest homes for the elderly, where people "prefer" clinging to life. He thinks that is what most, if not all elderly people want.

Really? I bet Dr. Sikora is a skilled oncologist - he is famous for his intervention in that field, but may I question what he truly knows and understands of what it feels like to sit in a wheelchair and being pushed around incapable of brushing one's own teeth, let alone eat.

Not that I know, but I refuse to believe that anyone can judge for another. We all have strong or not so strong feelings about our "Right to Die".

Does Dr. Sikora have pets? We don't know, but if he has, and the pet gets hopelessly sick, does he continue to let the animal suffer? Farmers put their cattle to sleep, when life is slipping away and so do most of us with our dogs and cats. I go to the vet and request euthanasia for my beloved pet out of respect and love for the animal. Is their life less sacred than ours?

When Dr. Sikora, now strong and vibrant, is getting feeble, let's check in with him again, and ask him whether the disgraceful pain and suffering then is to his liking. I wouldn't be surprised if he has changed his mind. "And doctor, don't speak for me!"

The workings of our universe.

I stretch out on the couch with an extra pillow in the back, a wool blanket warming my knees and turn on the TV for the evening news. While watching the "latest", out of the corner of my eyes I see my calico cat peek at me with an expression in her large eyes: "Can I join you?" She jumps up and curls up somewhere at arms length between the pillows and my upper legs.

In the mean time, the news is dire - as usual. The live reports from Haiti show death and devastation, and ...

my cat is calm and comfortable.

Civilians and soldiers have died in Afghanistan and Iraq, and plots to kill have been uncovered, and ...

the cat "is" in a different world.

Unnamed financial CEOs, insurance and other corporate leaders have again managed to pay themselves exorbitant bonuses, while the unemployment rate keeps on going up, and ...

the cat? What is going on in her mind, in her world?

Politicians do waste time, moneys and effort in Washington, DC, continuing the legislative stalemate, while we are all sinking deeper into a marsh of economic misery, and ...

the cat seems quite content and happy.

In life, all seems relative. In the scheme of our universe, how important are our actions, really!

Appreciating the basic things in life.

Every Tuesday morning, I visit an organization named Friendship Trays to pick
up the dinner trays for distribution to "the disadvantaged" among us
in an assigned area in the city. After I have completed my route, I return
to drop off the empty bag at the kitchen/office location. At that time, almost
always without fail, there are a number of seriously "challenged" men and women
hanging around enjoying the cheer and hubbub. They are munching on
the provided cookies, coffee cake, muffins or doughnuts. In one corner stands a
dispenser of coffee for all the guests passing through.
This time I noticed one of the challenged women moving to the dispenser, while
she was mumbling inaudible statements. She picked up a paper cup, pushed
the lever, and while the coffee poured into the cup, I heard her say in her sweet
and gentle voice: "Good morning coffee!"
THAT brought a royal smile to my face. Guess what I plan to say to the water to-morrow morning when I open the shower faucet in the early morning?

In every day life, I expect these kind of observations and statements from the
very young, but we adults have "outgrown" these thoughts. This happening
was a nice reminder of what we can be thankful for every day!