Struggling, relatively!

Yes, I am struggling. I don't want to make a big fuss about it, and I wonder how many others feel the same way. I hear often, when people parade by in "my" coffee shop: "Hey, how are you?" Dutifully I say: "Oh fine!" No one would favorably react to: "I am struggling!"

When I am REALLY struggling I would probably not even come in. Still, there are times, that I would like to "let my hair down". Here is not the place. Yeah, and then I hear my mother's familiar saying: "One comes onto this earth alone and one needs to leave alone!"

I wonder what my cat or other animal thinks, does, feels? In my presence, the cat seems to be content. She makes the best of it - racing through the house, slipping out the back cat door or just lying around, curled up for hours at a time on a chair. Sure one's every so often she meets me on the front porch when I return home. Clearly, she expresses a need for companionship. Does she get it when in need? Well, let me tell you, I feel I don't. Not often, but now is one of those moments that I would love to hold someone's hand. Since that other hand is missing for the moment it is time to pack up and search for it. See what happens - that's what life is all about anyway!

My imaginary Pyramid!

To whomever in my universe!

This morning under the shower I realized that I hadn’t talked to Robert for a while. Then it crossed my mind: “Why does his name come to mind?”

Well, Robert is a part of my life. Not my entire life or even a grand percentage, but he takes part in my life. So do many people and thereby, I realize that my life is a mosaic of for me interested parties. Sure, some take up a larger portion of my daily life. Son Jaap and brother Burchard are at the top of the list and then a kind of pyramid starts to form. Even the people - all of them at Caribou Coffee take part, be it at a much lower level and less intensely, but important at some level they all are. In my mind, I now see this pyramid becoming “Real!”. Boy, it is huge!

Yes, it is true that some “members” fall by the wayside and others take their place or a vacancy is not filled, at least not for a while. The consequences of a divorce are significantly more profound and deep then a disconnection with a neighbor across the street. Death obviously is permanent, though a vacuum will probably never take its place whether I experience the departure of a neighbor or my mother. It becomes a matter of degree. Somewhere in my memory a roll is being played by all affecting my life. My mother will stay somewhere near the top and a Caribou server will remain near the bottom, though one never can tell.

It is a fascinating subject - who fits where?, and I am positive that all these members of this mosaic float from left to right and from near the top to somewhere else all the time.

It is a “living” entity, even if it is only in the mind. It is and remains a very dynamic state in my mind. When people, I haven’t seen in years in person, knock on my front door and ask for a stay-over, suddenly the picture is violently re-arranged. The more flexible I am, the easier the movements within the pyramid, the less stressful life may become.

And yes, my cat, the dead mouse brought in as a present by her, the birds on the front porch, all the events happening in my house and around the garden are a part of my whole! Charlotte, Amsterdam and everything in between ....

OK, I know where this is all going to end - my mosaic is as wide and deep as I experience it to be. It is my universe and I hope to share it with many, many, many!