Friends come and go!

Friends: They seem to come and most notably they seem to disappear. Some are there for an occasion and then fade away. I have had some that I had for decades - at least, I thought I had them for that period, and then come to find out, they are no longer in the picture. Then there are the newcomers. I met a person at a coffee shop. We had a fine time together and then ... Phoof! Gone! Yes, I can insist meeting that person again, but that doesn't seem quite right. The reverse is true also: I drop people from my circle of "friends". Surely, with age, some die or move to far away places and I lose contact that way. And then there this: At different ages/times needs change, asking for different connections and they grow intense or stop when the needs are met or fade away.
I have lots of photo albums with documentation identifying the important folks in my life. So I can glance back and reminisce or cherish, but in the end, yes, toward the end of my life, I come to realize that I can only continue to be my own best friend. I have to get up in the morning with myself and at night time, close my eyes certain that I am still best friends with myself. That HAS to be the ever present balance.
Now, I am on my way to the next unexpected encounter. Life is full of surprises.

Change

CONTROL and CHOICE do we have such?

When did “control”, as in “I have control over my life!” start?

I don’t have an answer to that question and I don’t think that ANY-one can do any better than I.

Then comes the question: “I have a “free will” capability and therefore “I can choose which path I can take in life!”

So, here we have two interconnected terms: Control and Choice!

From that I have to conclude that one is dependent on the other. And what I hear from my fellow human beings is that with that capability they are in charge of life ... or in a milder sense: “I am in charge of MY life!”

Again: When did "I have Control" and "I have a Choice" become a “reality”?

A thousand years ago? When?

No one - so far - has been able to pin down a time period when this phenomenon became a “reality”!

I hear it with regularity! My son believes it, my friends and family members do and it seems to serve them well. It gives them confidence and that is good, and maybe I should therefore stop right here and let the next phase rest, but I cannot!

What do I believe (until someone can convincingly contradict me):

LIFE is in charge - Period!

We do NOT control LIFE!

Many say:

We pollute the air;

We make war:

We control our bodies, our movements;

We choose to take a job, a turn, a partner, etc.

REALLY!?

OK, here I go:

Do we breathe, because we want to? NO!

Do I choose to get sick or die? NO! 

Do I drink bad water, wine? I hope not!

Do I choose to have an accident? NO!

I trip and fall. Did I choose that? NO!

My kidneys fail and they didn’t ask for my permission!

It is raining and the outdoor event has to be postponed!

My car won’t start, I miss my appointment and my flight to Alaska!

My boss has a bad mood and makes my life difficult! My choice, my control?

I am about to make a presentation for 200+ experts in my profession! Am I nervous?

I change my diet/religion, because somebody/something convinces me to do so!

See, we are acting as if we are separate from nature, but People! we are part of it. NOT separate. Yes, with all the automobiles, airplanes, giant cruise ships we may seem to have lifted ourselves above it ALL.

So, why do we do this to ourselves? We don’t - Nature does! We have absolutely no control, no choice! That may seem fatalistic and discouraging, but it isn’t. Since we have no choice  and no control we will do what we are supposed to do. We are wired in a certain way and we interact with the rest of Nature in relative harmony - whatever that means. Just as much as  the dinosaurs became extinct, so will we. Nature has its ways.

So, relax, just simply relax. 

You will or you will not AND you will/will-not do so without choice. Fun stuff and so liberating.

Cheers!

Do try to convince me of it all being otherwise!

INTER GENERATIONAL STUFF!

Hello,

It may seem such a simple thing to do:

"Oh, why don't you take your grandson on a whale watching trip!" DOING that sort of thing is quite another effort all together ... for me.

First off, the idea received a luke warm welcome in September of last year. Then I wanted more assurances before I began making the reservations for the entire affair in March. Still no assurances by the 15 year-old teenager.

So, with this uncertainty I took the plunge anyway:

Airplane tickets on line; car reservations - the least expensive one; a hotel seen on the internet - at best a stab in the dark, no matter what the customer comments tell me; getting Zeppelin (15) here and arranging for his return trip ... well, you get the idea and I grew pretty nervous toward the actual travel date.

How do I start a sensible conversation? What questions do I avoid asking(sex and acts of puberty)? Do I give him the freedom to do ... whatever, after all he is Jaap and Jennifer's only son?

We planned to be together from Sunday pm through the Thursday following. Upon his arrival he didn't waste time dropping a "small" bomb in my lap:

"Opa, don't argue with me - just tell me your opinion: What would you say to me if I wanted to change my last name to Pennink!"

Go for it! was my short and sweet comment. Upon reflection he might best do this in a few years when parental advice is no longer required.

On Monday it took Z. forever to get out of bed and he, therefore, missed breakfast at Bruegger's. With a solid threat of leaving him behind, he consumed his sandwich and coffee on the way to the airport. At "check-in" I suddenly got this angst that he would not be allowed through without proper ID. He didn't need any! With all the exhausting security measures in place that seems pretty weird.

Zeppelin and I had made a deal, that he would be in charge of the entire expense account. I told him that I had reserved a total amount of $ xxxx for the entire trip.

If he could stay below that, the difference would be deposited in a new savings account, while being allowed to withdraw monthly 10% of the balance. He wasn't wild about it, but he said OK. He isn't even enthused about figuring the tip on any of the meals we consumed, but that became "old hat"!

On the uneventful plane ride to Boston, MA, Zeppelin was pretty quiet and he dozed off in the middle seat - he would have preferred a window position. We rented a Ford Focus for $43/day and after turning down the $65 extra insurance coverage, we drove off the lot north direction route 1A and Gloucester, MA.

That's when Zeppelin started to open up ... in a big way.

He told stories about himself, his impossible step sisters, the ignorant mostly class mates and the great history teacher he had this year. The stories were sweet and direct. He didn't wound around any subject - he went straight to the point and I laughed hard and with enthusiasm. This guy is funny - he has a good, healthy sense of humor. None of the stories were mean spirited. His insight and the language he used made the tales wonderful - in some way a stand-up comedian couldn't have done much better.

So, the ice was broken and suddenly this was promising to become a great time together.

Yes, it did help that the weather was nice, that Gloucester looked friendly and quaint and that the hotel (Cape Ann Motor Inn) was located in a super location - off a tiny bay where surfers were congregating in large numbers. The sound of the pounding waves through the sliding bed room doors gave a soothing feeling. After checking in, we took the car (with a very irritating screaming alarm system) on an inspection tour through the town and we located the 7 Seas Whale Watch dock, so we didn't have to waste time on Tuesday where we were asked to report at 8 am - Zeppelin wasn't looking forward to an early rise.

We ate dinner across the street from the wharf (OK food), took a walk at the hotel beach and settled in for the night. By the way, any time you want to cross the street in Gloucester all drivers slow down and allow all pedestrians to make their move. Try that here!

See, now you want to hear about the whale watching experience, but that was definitely  not the high light of the trip. That honor was strictly reserved for our ability to communicate. My nervousness evaporated and he kept talking about his life, his parents, being a teenager and the troubles that period seems to present to him (well yes, to me also, be it in the distant past). He felt a heavy burden for all of the world's problems. Did I relief him of that weight? You have to ask him, but I think it helped when I tried to put it all in a little easier perspective.

I told him about my past and indicated that these teenage years in particular are packed with heavy "stuff", stuff all kids his age probably experience, though others may be troubled about totally different aspects in and of life.

So, yes, we saw whales: two Fin whales, 7 Humpback whales and a small, harmless nursing shark over a two day period, and we had to travel on a fast 100 ft diesel powered boat an average of 27 miles out onto the ocean to see these giants. The first day was surprisingly cool - low sixties and the next one the temperatures reached the nineties, though on the ocean it was considerably cooler.

The whales: none of them made jumps and hoops, but they showed puffs of air from their nostrils, showed their tell-tale tails with markings through which they can be named and more easily identified. One mother was named Kangeroo and siblings less than a year old do not have names yet.

The "bio"-guide was informative and he had a good story on the history of Gloucester and the lives of fishermen in the area. After the sight seeing was done and over with, most of the younger spectators went soundly to sleep on the steel deck, including Zeppelin, though he chose a softer bench cushion inside the cabin.

That was it for the whale watching.

What other things did we do?

Every time I came up with a plan Z. responded with muted enthusiasm and then when the museum (The Beauport Museum - Sleeper McCann House) visit was over, the walk on the peer was complete or the  very best EVER shake was consumed he expressed without exception great enthusiasm for the event. So, I asked him to consider saying "Yes!" more frequently, because it makes me coming up with a plan sooo much more inviting. 

The last evening, he took a very long walk and my nervousness reared "its head" again, so also when he asked if swimming in the dark was a good idea. My response?

Zeppelin, go for it! You are a guy with a good set of brains with a good sense of responsibility, so, yes! go for it. Take a towel for when you really decide to get wet!

That very evening after a lengthy conversation with his Mom - a great conversation (he really loves to have these with his parents) we laid on our individual beds and we had a deep and intense talk among ourselves. I learned a great deal from him and I hope he did from my experiences. So, that's about all!

Oh yeah, the name of the shop where one can purchase THE best shake - a frozen hot chocolate shake(???):"The Last Stop", to be found on the way to the Beauport Museum.

We returned the car to the rental place at Logan Airport and the return flight was smooth with Jaap waiting in the cell phone lot at Douglas Airport.

In conclusion: This is what Zeppelin texted to me on his way to Black Mountain:

"Well I might as well get this done on the way 

back, but I really do want to thank you. Especially, 

        for listening to me even if some of the conversations

        didn't make sense. If the whales are not here in 50 years, 

        then I'm glad that I saw them with my grandfather when 

        I was a teenager. That's something that most people 

        cannot say. I appreciate that you took me on the trip, 

        even though you were nervous to take me. 

        The budget may not have been the most fun, but it did 

        raise some awareness and I will use it in the future. 

        Thanks again, I really did have a lot of fun."

  

So, now you know most of what happened, and if you plan something similar with your grand children or youngsters in your life, I'll cheer you on.

MJP

Talking about Unsustainable!

When was the last time you have been in a nursing or elderly care “home”? Or maybe I should ask: “When was the first time?”

OK, a couple of suspected facts:

Many of the nursing homes, rehabilitation centers for the elderly and elder care facilities 

are listed of the NY Stock Exchange! These places are first: Profit Centers!

These homes send “patients” to the hospital for bladder and other infections and then upon return can bill Medicare for substantially higher fees for those elderly people;

The number of these people in “need” of end-of-life care will hugely increase by 2030 and thereby the cost of such care and the burden on the tax payer will increase with leaps and bounds.

These facts alone are kept away from the classroom and kitchen table. No one - well, pretty much so, has family discussions on what to do at end of life! Why not?

IT is a subject (End of Life) just not talked about. We Ooh and Aah about babies, but

don’t come with what we do when life is - for all practical purposes - OVER!

We, the people keep people alive, if that is what it is, because we don’t want to say

“Good Bye!”

I repeat: We love to say “Hello!” and hate/avoid saying “Good-Bye!”

We, yes we tax payers, allow the very elderly people to be “stuffed” in “homes” and then leave the caring to minimum wage earners and we, ourselves are going to the beach or the movies!

Doesn’t this picture appall the reader?

If so, why don’t we talk about this?

If you are willing, contact: Maarten at maartenjp@mac.com

or join Compassion and Choices (compassionandchoices.org)

The way Life is!

A man in his fifties reads in the morning newspaper on the obituary
page that a far away friend has just died:
    “Hey Honey, Philip Doe has just died! Too bad. Remember him?”

    “Yeah! One of your nicer friends! ....
                Hey, have you seen the car keys?”

 And so it is! Life goes on! So one needs to say “ Life is fleeting ... Enjoy it to-day!”

The Freedom To Act ... Conditionally!

Once an adult, we are allowed to act independently in many ways. We can buy
cars, property, clothes and we can make commitments, but then, later on in life that freedom will be taken away. That time comes when sickness comes to us and when old age sets in.
Then doctors, the medical world, religious doctrine, corporations and government give us the rules we should abide by. Suddenly we are no longer deemed capable to act independently.
It wasn’t always that way. When did this process start? Probably many centuries ago, but that process has progressed more rapidly with the onset of the Industrial Revolution, it seems.
In more primitive times, people were allowed to walk up the mountain and “go it alone!”
Or communities with a deep respect for the elderly guided them through the end-of-Life process with grace and honor.
The aspect of Grace is hard to find, these days. Old folks with little more than their hearts pumping are left out of the inner circle of society. Many live in isolation with their relatives basically gone and care facility shareholders waiting for their next dividend check.

I have been pondering this situation. Why does this appear to be so?
And then it struck me: “Later on in life, are we afraid of making the life-and-death decisions ourselves or within the family circle? Are we suddenly fearful of the “End-of-Life” process and delegate the decision-making responsibility to others? Do others really know us better than we do ourselves? REALLY? It seems that way.
Doctors prescribe medicines, many times not knowing the effects they will have - a sophisticated guessing game, surgeons “cut-and-paste”, religious doctrine dictates, pharmaceutical companies convince us, insurance companies make medical decisions with their own profit picture in mind and government polices our lives in lots of ways. We can argue to what extent this scenario is completely or partially true, but most of it is happening. So we have in a significant way relinquished our independence and responsibility for our own health and well-being.

Is it time to wake up to that realization on a large scale and take back the territory lost?